A view of the world from Ohio
PREDICTIONS: The 2016 Republican National Convention – Read it here first
With a nation on edge and on the verge of panic after over 40 percent of the new Star Wars movie was ordered re-shot, I’ve accepted the task of calming the hearts and minds by writing what will happen at the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland – before it happens. You can read it here, read it now, and freely spend your week enjoying entertainment on your DVR, Betamax collection, or reading your favorite magazine or book.
JULY 18 – DAY ONE
- The Republican National Convention opens with Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem. Donald Trump wanted to set the tone for the Convention immediately.
- Scott Baio, former teen heartthrob, Happy Days star, and reality television star, gives his speech decrying Hillary Clinton. He also answers the important question as to why the younger sister on “Charles in Charge” turned out to be hotter than the older sister.
- General Michael Flynn takes the stage as a surprise, and is announced as both Secretary of State and Defense. He says it’s time for the United States to begin defending its own interests at home and abroad. He then makes a sudden leave to accept an award from Vladimir Putin at the “Russia Today” awards.
- Ivanka Trump speaks, and plugs her new clothing line and goes on a tear about how she’s more attractive than all the Kardashian sisters. She thanks her supporters for their anti-Semitic harassment of award-winning journalist Julia Ioffe. She said she’s had a great time in Pittsburgh and can’t wait to come back when your father wins the Presidency.
- Black Lives Matter’s plans for disruption and protest fall apart when it gets bored.
JULY 19 – DAY TWO
- Dana White, the face and head of The Ultimate Fighting Championship, takes the podium. He goes on an F-word laden rant because that’s just how he talks. He promises Trump will have the same success combating the heroin and opiate problem in the Midwest as UFC has combatted doping in the UFC.
- Alex Jones takes to stage to huge applause. He’s proud to announce changes to the Republican party platform – a responsibility he was given personally from Trump in order to make the party more inclusive. Jones promises to double spending on the Star Wars anti-ballistic missile system in order to combat George Pataki, and his hordes of Lizardoid, robotic space-traveling RINOS. Also he believes the the RNC is a false-flag operation, as is his own re-writing of the party platform.
- Peter Thiel, billionaire, Trump delegate and Silicone Valley businessman takes the stage. He didn’t want to kill Gawker, “but felt he owed it to them.” He goes on a 45 minute rant about the show HBO “Silicone Valley,” and why it can’t get more than a dozen shows a season. He thinks he’s at a TED conference and starts encouraging to drop out of college.
- Dana White comes back out, and says ESPN is full of crap, but nobody knows what he’s referring to.
- Ohio Gov. John Kasich, who announced he wouldn’t be at the convention, makes a surprise appearance, which quickly ends after he clears the stage with a baseball bat.
JULY 20 – DAY 3
- Former Congressional Head and presidential candidate Newt Gingrich speaks, imploring Trump’s 10-point plan – aka THE 10 POINTS TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. Each part has five separate points, broken into seven others, were are then outlines down to four more segments, each available for $150 on blu-ray if you want to watch Newt read it himself. The entire foreign policy section is based on Tom Clancy and Vince Flynn novels, as well as an early 1900s Girl Scout handbook. It’s also available on Powerpoint.
- Bill Clinton shocks the crowd, walking on stage. He mistakingly thought Cleveland was still having a party from the Cavaliers championship and wanted to hang out with Halle Berry.
- Alex Jones runs on stage naked and tackles Chris Christie.
- Some major media are confused after seeing the speaker list: five different Trumps, an El Paso commissioner, etc., and thinks they may be accidentally flew to a Des Moines Tea Party gathering by mistake.
- It has been announced Thiel has sold all his businesses and will work for a potential Trump administration as MEME CZAR.
- Marco Rubio is on stage for his speech, but instead kicks the podium over and throws a bottle of Jack Daniels through the Jumbotron.
- The count on Trump family members to speak has reached 15.
- Before Mike Pence makes his speech accepting the nomination as VP, a spokesman for Cleveland’s Quicken Arena reminds delegates and convention goers that tickets are on sale for The Black Keys, The Monster Energy Drink Indoor MotoCross challenge; Truck-A-Saurus Rex and the NAPA monster truck nationals; the Greater Cleveland Annual Quilting Spectacular; Bill Goodman’s Gun and Knife Show; Funk 49 – the best James Gang/Joe Walsh/Eagles cover band east of the Mississippi; and a three-day all-night marathon of all seven games of the 2016 Finals as the Cleveland Orchestra plays Beethoven’s Ninth. Former Browns Ernest Byner, Brian Brenneman, Tim Couch, Erik Wilhelm and former coach Chris Palmer will be there signing autographs and posing for photos. Bernie Kosar has been named Mayor.
JULY 21 – DAY 4
- Matt Foley, motivational speaker, opens the last day’s speaker list
- LeBron James is spotted walking amongst the crowd, telling people not to “scratch my #$*#$(# floor.”
- Senator Ted Cruz speaks, says Americans now have an opportunity of a lifetime – they can now get Time Shares through Trump Inc.
- Cruz talks about the Trump steak he had for lunch and how delicious it was despite the botulism.
- GOP party head Reince Preibus speaks, giving a delusional speech about supporting Ronald Reagan against Democrat Walter Mondale.
- Several delegates report seeing visions of Richard Nixon’s ghost trying to fling itself from the top of the arena.
- Donald Trump takes the stage to accept the nomination. He thanks the press for covering the event, especially since he plans on having them shot immediately after the confetti. He talks about himself for 45 minutes, before going on a strange rant about the toilet paper in the arena and using it to set up jokes about Hillary Clinton.
- Trump says he will be the first president to also be his own Press Secretary.
- He’s joined on stage by his family, including three Mexican orphans and four Syrian orphans he adopted just before the night of the last day of the convention.